Burning the Dross

There is a  burning bowl service at Unity North Atlanta New Year's Eve every year. This year it fell on a Sunday thus it was during the regular service. A large part of the service was the burning bowl. This is a ceremony where all participants write the life conditions they which to release from their experience on a piece of onion paper and burn it at the front of the church. That morning I awoke with a memory which I have for a long time. It is always tinged with regret. The regret was for not having the courage to stand up for what I wanted at the time.

Here’s what happened. I was dating this fine young man, I was young myself. But there were social pressures on the relationship and we agreed to end it. Ha was so loving and kind and caring and never forgot my birthday. On this particular birthday he came by my apartment with flowers like he always did. My brother was taking me and his girlfriend to dinner for my birthday. I was walking out with the flowers in my arms and John that is his name, when my brother rolled up. We were on opposite sides of the street. My brother did not approve of the relationship. He blew the horn loudly several times and both he and his girlfriend started yelling at me to come on and leave John. I sheepishly said I have to go and crossed the street, entered the van. I did not look back for fear of what I would see on the corner. That ended whatever shred of a relationship I had with John. 

Whenever I think of that moment there is always regret for what could have been. In the burning bowl I placed the regret and sadness that remained of that moment. I took the opportunity to forgive myself for not being strong in that moment. I accepted all the actors for doing the best we knew how to do. And I accepted that John had to leave. 

I think of that moment now and the regret is gone. I am grateful.