My Mother Had One

 

 

As I was sitting on the edge of my bed playing solitaire, listening to the commentary on the politics channel as white noise. I was not paying much attention. Then I sat up with a jerk as I heard the law professor lady say having a still birth is an abortion. What? I have always lived under the presumption that an abortion was an overt deliberate act, not something that happened during a natural physical condition. Yet from the lawyer lady's statement, my mother had one. This happened when I was about eight or nine, I cannot now remember the specific year. Mama had slowly gotten fatter, and everyone was talking about a baby coming.

Mama started gathering items for the baby. I instinctively knew they were not for me, because they were laundered and folded in the top bureau drawer by themselves. Every time Aunt Kathleen came over, she and Mama would sit on the bed and examine the contents of that drawer and admire them before, refolding them and placing them back, after much nudging one another and laughing. They would have long adult conversation and send me out of the room, after some lap time from Aunt Kathleen who loved to cuddle me.

I was not particular pleased with a baby coming soon, because up until then, I was the baby. Being the baby was extremely advantageous. I was privileged to sit on whatever lap was available.  Small treats were always given to the baby. The baby was never sent to get a neighbor to come visit or bring something for Mama.  Houshold chores were never done by the baby. If there was only one mango, that too went to the baby.  Something in our everyday routine changed, and I did not quite understand why. This significant change consisted of a new person entering our normal routine. Every once in a while, a lady would come over and Mama would put me outside while they huddle in the room.  I did not know who the lady was, but Mama told my brother her name and where she lived. This was related to me by my brother in a boastful manner letting me know he was informed on matters, I was not.

Time passed, Mama got fatter and fatter. She seemed to slow down in her activities and would lay down as soon as she came home from work every day. However, her lap was still available to me, but not as often as it was when started getting fat. As my lap time grew less frequent, I connived to get a snuggle as often I could. One day Mama did not go to work. Then she stayed home from work for a few days after that. She would make tea for my brother and me and lay down after that, it was holiday from school, so we played while Mama slept. We stayed in the yard when Mama stopped going to work, So, when she needed anything, she would call my brother to fetch it for her, which he was always eager to do as she stayed in the room all day every day.  One day she called my brother to come in right away. He bounded in and came out immediately and ran out the gate and down the road. I hovered at the door without going in because she did not call me. Within a few minutes my brother burst back through the gate on a run and hovered beside me at the door. Shortly thereafter the lady who was used to visit every once in a while, to talk with Mama, came rushing through the gate and went into the room making sure she closed the door behind her.

Huddling by the door, I heard Mama groaning. I also heard her pacing back and forth and snapping her fingers, between groans. At one point she looked out the door and told me to go get Aunt Kathleen. I burst through the gate and ran fast down the street to Aunt Kathleen's house. I blurted out, "Mama want you to Come." Without saying a word, she put down the dish cloth she was using to dry dishes and walked out the kitchen and headed for her gate and up the street to our house. I followed her but stayed a little behind because I could not walk as fast as she was walking.

When we got to the house, Aunt   Kathleen bounded up the steps and into the room, I tried to follow her into the room, but she gently stopped me and closed the door. A little while later, Aunt Kathleen came out and told my brother and I to go around to the front of the house and stay there. My brother who always know what was happening, was silent. He did not poke me to boast about knowing what was happening; he just sat there and behaved himself. I wanted to know what was happening in the room and fidgeted as there was no way to find out, and my brother was not talking if he knew.

Aunt Kathleen finally came around and get us. She reached out her hand to me and I gladly fell into her arms as my brother came up to her free side and she rubbed his head even while hugging me. The baby was gone she told us and there were tears in her eye. Come she said and we went to her house where we stayed for a few days.

 After she fed us and her three children, Aunt Kathleen sat on the chair by the door and pulled me on her lap.  She gestured to my brother to come and lean on her side; she rubbed his head when he did. When she was satisfied, we were comforted, she said in a very soft voice We buried the baby in the back garden. That's when I understood that the baby was dead.  As soon as that fact became clear to me; I knew for a fact that I had killed the baby, At, first, I did not want the baby to come I must have killed her. That was why the baby died. I killed her. It took me a very long time to let go of the guilt I carried for not wanting the baby.

When I heard the Lawer lady on TV say that a still birth was an abortion I understood that my mother had an unwitting abortion way back when my sister was still born. I was a little girl myself. The dawn of that information on my consciousness, gave me a plank on which to stand and forgive myself for my baby sister being a still birth.

Photo of a photo of my mother with a photo of a younger me in the corner.