Last night I went to the Wednesday night rapping with the rev held at our church. While there, I shared how through a personal story; I was led and guided to release a thirty year old recurring abscess. The story involved the sexual interaction between me, as a child, and an elderly male neighbor.
That incident, which was repeated over months, I deemed shameful. I stuffed that shame deep within my flesh and it erupted ever so often as an abscess for those thirty years. The first step was to acknowledge when the first abscess occurred. Then the next step was to own the shame I’d stuffed inside my physical being. When I touched that deep seated shame, I became nauseous and threw up, literally!
The next step through my healing process was to own that all the shame and grief were my own and release them. That process took several days, but they were released. The next step was forgiveness. That section of the healing process took a few more days. I was able to truly forgive my neighbor for the incidents; but also myself for having been participated in them. However, there were yet a few more steps to complete the healing.
I had to see my own part in the co-creation of the incident. That took many more days, in prayer and meditation, to arrive at the place where I was able to accept that yes; indeed I am the co-creator of all the events in my life; therefore that one. The last step took days and days of the meditative process to get there. Once there, the freeing realization that there is nothing to forgive came. I chose to be the participant in an incident, thirty years previously which led to the moment when I owned my divinity and myself as the co-creator of events; that my friend is true freedom and grace and love for my creator who gave me free will.
Needless to say the abscess has never returned; and that was twenty-seven years ago.
At the end of the meditation portion of the evening, several women told me how brave I was for sharing that story. Now that is just a story to me. The joy of the telling came during the meditation. The story illustrated to me, my healing was akin to the peeling an onion to find the center core where are no more layers to remove. There at the center is the true being who came into incarnation to be a bringer of light that can shines away shame.
Today I am the light, and I am truly grateful for that knowing.